This is a list of cards contained in the gifts.  Days 1, 3, 5, and 7 shamelessly stolen from a comment by /u/nekoningen.

Black cards are bolded.  White cards are unformatted.

Day 1: Conspicuous Consumption Edit

  • But wait, there's more! If you order [   ] in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in [   ] absolutely free!
  • These low, low prices!
  • Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
  • A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
  • Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.

Day 3: Interfaith Circle JerkEdit

  • Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us [   ].
  • Because they are forbidden from masturbating, Mormons channel their repressed sexual energy into [   ].
  • Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
  • The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina.
  • The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.

Day 5: Your Shitty FamilyEdit

  • I really hope my grandma doesn't ask me to explain [   ] again.
  • Finding out Santa isn't real.
  • Slicing a ham in icy silence.
  • Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation.
  • Swapping bodies with mom for a day.

Day 7: Elves, etc.Edit

  • What's the one thing that makes an elf instantly ejaculate?
  • The Grinch's musty, cum-stained pelt.
  • Breeding elves for their priceless semen.
  • Jizzing into Santa's beard.
  • Rudolph's bright red balls.

Day 9: A Cringing Look Back at 2013Edit

  • Revealed: Why He Really Resigned!  Pope Benedict's Secret Struggle with [   ].
  • Here's what you can expect for the new year.  /  Out: [   ]  /  In: [   ]
  • Congress's flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
  • The royal afterbirth.
  • Having a strong opinion about Obamacare.

Day 11: Five Cards That Have Nothing To Do With The HolidaysEdit

  • Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet.  In my day, all we needed to pass the time was [   ].
  • People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is.
  • A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver.
  • Being blind and deaf and having no limbs.

Day 12Edit

  • <your name here>