This is a list of cards contained in the gifts. Days 1, 3, 5, and 7 shamelessly stolen from a comment by /u/nekoningen.
Black cards are bolded. White cards are unformatted.
Day 1: Conspicuous Consumption []
- But wait, there's more! If you order [ ] in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in [ ] absolutely free!
- These low, low prices!
- Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
- A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
- Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.
Day 3: Interfaith Circle Jerk[]
- Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us [ ].
- Because they are forbidden from masturbating, Mormons channel their repressed sexual energy into [ ].
- Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
- The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina.
- The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
Day 5: Your Shitty Family[]
- I really hope my grandma doesn't ask me to explain [ ] again.
- Finding out Santa isn't real.
- Slicing a ham in icy silence.
- Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation.
- Swapping bodies with mom for a day.
Day 7: Elves, etc.[]
- What's the one thing that makes an elf instantly ejaculate?
- The Grinch's musty, cum-stained pelt.
- Breeding elves for their priceless semen.
- Jizzing into Santa's beard.
- Rudolph's bright red balls.
Day 9: A Cringing Look Back at 2013[]
- Revealed: Why He Really Resigned! Pope Benedict's Secret Struggle with [ ].
- Here's what you can expect for the new year. / Out: [ ] / In: [ ]
- Congress's flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
- The royal afterbirth.
- Having a strong opinion about Obamacare.
Day 11: Five Cards That Have Nothing To Do With The Holidays[]
- Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was [ ].
- GREETINGS HUMANS / I AM [ ] BOT / EXECUTING PROGRAM
- People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is.
- A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver.
- Being blind and deaf and having no limbs.
Day 12[]
- <your name here>